Date: 27 Sep, 2022
We personally believe that very few people (regardless of generation) would declare that dating is an easy task. However, dating in the digital era feels particularly difficult. Dating apps make it more difficult to keep someone’s attention and more convenient to ghost someone. Having said that, once we’ve found our mate, we’ll gladly concur with John Lennon’s statement-
All you need is love.
However, how you give and receive it is heavily impacted and formed by your parents. According to Rebecca Bergen, Ph.D., our first encounter with this feeling is with our parents, and those early years establish the standard for how we view, give, and receive love, as well as what we seek from relationships later in life.
GET TO KNOW THE EXPERT
Rebecca Bergen, Ph.D., is a certified clinical psychologist and co-owner of the Chicago-based Bergen Counseling Center.
The sort of bond we built with our parents was impacted by how they were emotionally open.
Bergen describes how our childhood experiences with our parents shape our adult relationships. How we can stop a bad cycle, and how we can nurture the next generation.
They Prepare You on How to Convey Your Emotions
The connection between our parents was the most significant model of how to engage and communicate in a love relationship. The child is influenced by how parents love each other. That makes sense since, after all, your parents are your sole role models for almost everything. When you’re young, you probably just accept the way they do things as being correct—even if it isn’t.
For example, if your parents were not very affectionate and rarely embraced or kissed you, you may have developed an aversion to affection as an adult. “Children will imitate and copy how their parents love one another. Furthermore, how love was shown to the child is crucial “explains Bergen
On a somewhat different note, Bergen contends that the methods in which anger and disagreement were handled in your family of origin influence how we communicate with adult love partners.
You model your actions after theirs.
Same-sex parents model our conduct. Whereas opposite-sex parents are projected as possible partners. This also works in reverse. We can look for the polar opposite of a stoic and uninvolved father.
There is no difference in this dynamic between same-sex and cross-sex couples. Highlighting that it is more related to whose parent the individual identifies with the most rather than their sexual orientation. Regardless of her own sexual orientation, a girl may be more impacted by her father’s conduct and replicate his acts in her own relationship than her mother’s.
Another example is a person who is hypersensitive to criticism and regularly disagrees with partners since their same-sex parent struggled to advocate for themselves and became a “doormat” in the relationship. When we see our parents’ relationship as healthy and happy, we want to mimic it.
Their words become your inner voice
Most psychologists would agree that self-awareness is the starting point for any personal development. Bergen suggests, “Begin to discover the sources of communication, cognition, and emotion patterns. Consider your childhood and attempt to recall the patterns you had in your interactions with your parents.”
She encourages you to ask yourself the following questions: Whose voice is that? Is your mature voice of what you think and believe coming from somewhere or from someone else? “If your parents are still alive, you may also start to examine how you interact with your parents today. Then consider how those tendencies may be manifesting in your love interactions.”
They Influence Your Attachment Style
“In the 1960s and 1970s, groundbreaking research by John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth aided our understanding of attachment theory,” Bergen notes. “Since their study, numerous psychology researchers have investigated the many ways insecure and secure bonds with our parents impact our attachment patterns as adults.” For example, we were more likely to establish a secure attachment type if our parents exhibited affection, reacted to our needs, and acknowledged our feelings. As adults, we seek and crave the same attachment style.
On the other hand, if we have an insecure bond with our parents, we may have a fractured sense of ourselves. This may lead to low self-esteem, anxiety in relationships, mistrust in our ability to trust people, and sometimes a predisposition to seek out relationships that imitate this similar attachment. This is not because it feels good to us, but also on the note because it is familiar to us.
How to Break the Cycle
Bergen gives four pieces of advice for creating new patterns as an adult: reading, writing, looking at your existing relationship from a fresh perspective and trying counseling.
“Read works by John Gottman, a psychological researcher, and physician, to understand the many patterns that contribute to favorable and poor relationship results.” One important thing to remember is to educate yourself on healthy conflict resolution strategies and improved emotional connections with your spouse. Nobody enjoys fighting, but you could like it more if you can dispute productively.
Bergen suggests keeping a diary “Journal to raise your self-awareness of your relationship’s ideas, feelings, and actions. Compare what you’re observing to how your parents communicated with you and with each other.” If you sense anything is missing in your connection with your parents, consider whether you are looking for it in your present relationship.
Third, “Experiment with several ways of being in your current relationship. Gottman lists particular relationship habits you may focus on. Such as asking more in-depth inquiries, and turning toward your spouse when they make an attempt to connect with you. After all, experimenting with new things is never a terrible idea, even if you’ve been together for a long.
Finally, “if you continue to struggle to overcome these behaviors, counseling may be essential,” she says. A qualified therapist can assist you in identifying these patterns and overcoming the obstacles to creating new, constructive ones.
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