Date: 18 Jul, 2022
Humanity is fundamentally based on love and closeness. All of us, dreamers, doers, insane people, and the absolutely sensible, have an inbuilt need for each. But intimacy and love may also bring us to our knees. It plunges us into a magnificent void of misery and anguish.
Who among us has not visited?
Without question, the most difficult aspects of love are not one of the most difficult aspects of being human. It is discovering that the person we love is having a relationship with someone else.
Infidelity occurs throughout the world and across many different cultures. It has happened throughout history. So in terms of human behavior, it appears to be a classic. In spite of the fact that we all criticize it.
Infidelity: How Does it Happen?
There are numerous reasons why people leave the arms of a long-term intimate partner and enter the arms of another. An affair is often the externally visible break of something that has been fractured on the inside for some time. Sometimes it has absolutely nothing to do with the marriage. According to biological anthropologist Helen Fisher, 56 percent of men and 34 percent of women who left a long-term relationship rated it as “happy” or “very happy.”
So why did they choose to leave?
There are a variety of reasons why people switch from a long-term relationship to a new one. These are explanations, not excuses. Infidelity is always a choice, regardless of whether it can be explained by biology, personality, genetics, or evolution.
The more we understand what motivates behavior, the easier it will be to draw a bold heavy underline between it. If you were hurt, understand that it may have had nothing to do with you or your partner’s satisfaction with the relationship
It’s critical to approach your relationship with an open heart and mind.
Is it possible that you contributed to the delays? Not that you or anyone else deserves the pain that comes with infidelity. But if your partner has been lonely, or felt pushed aside by you, he or she also probably didn’t deserve it.
If you’ve been responsive, full of love, and welcoming – and it’s critical, to be honest. None of this will make sense. It probably never will. But if you want to stay in the relationship, you must forgive at some point. That does not imply accepting what occurred. What it means is that you understand it well enough to prevent anger and hurt from controlling you. People can be bad at times. They’re so bad that you might be in pieces for a while. But know that your relationship can sustain if you both would like it to.
If you are the one who has turned your affections away from your relationship, you must decide whether you want to fight for the relationship you started with. If you do, you must accept responsibility for your actions. Take charge, be patient, be accountable, be honest, and most importantly, be loving – so loving. Be loving in the face of the anger, hurt, fear, and raw jealousy that will come your way until you both find your way out.
Now for the explanations. Here’s what we know as of now:
1. Brain Architecture
We have three brain systems that are designed to motivate us to seek out and maintain close relationships.
a. Sex Drive
The first is the sex drive, which is intended to get us out there looking for a possible other. From an evolutionary standpoint, this is critical for the survival of the species.
b. Attraction
It is also known as romantic love, and it is the desire we have to be with one specific person. Dopamine, norepinephrine, and serotonin are powerful neurochemicals that rush through the body, igniting the euphoric feelings that come with falling in love and focusing energy on that one special person. Because serotonin is involved in mood regulation, social behavior, appetite, digestion, sleep, memory, and sexual desire and function, sleeplessness, loss of appetite, and increased passion are all possible. This is the same area of the brain that lights up when a cocaine addict is pumped with cocaine. It’s no coincidence that falling in love produces a giddy, addictive high.
c. Attachment
At this point, the body begins to adapt to the euphoria of the attraction phase. Endorphins (the feel-good hormones) and the hormones vasopressin and oxytocin circulate throughout the body, causing the feelings of security, calm, and well-being associated with a long-term relationship.
Does this relate to an affair?
Dopamine, the neurochemical that drives feelings of pleasure and motivation, will decrease significantly over time in a relationship if things aren’t kept interesting and fresh. When dopamine levels remain low for an extended period of time, the instinctive desire to connect and feel pleasure gains momentum, and the pull of sexual desire, attraction, and attachment strengthens.
Dopamine will surge in response to something novel if the person is drawn to someone outside the marriage, continued exposure to that new, novel person will cause dopamine, the pleasure hormone, to rush the body constantly. This will produce the euphoria associated with falling in love. When that person isn’t nearby, serotonin levels drop, causing sadness, emptiness, and the desire to seek out and be with them. Because serotonin is involved in impulse control, when it is low, people are more likely to act on impulse and do things they would not normally do.
Adrenaline and norepinephrine rush through the body. The heightening feelings of euphoria and excitement are associated with the prospect of connecting intimately with another. These neurochemicals are responsible for phrases like, ‘He makes my heart race,’ or ‘She takes my breath away.’ Clichés exist for a reason. This is exactly how it feels to fall for someone because of the neurochemicals coursing through the body.
2. Personality
People with affairs are more open to new experiences, extroverted, and easily bored than their partners. But keep in mind that this is a tendency, not a given.
3. Biological Depression
Depression increases the likelihood of having an affair. Of course, this does not imply that someone will have an affair simply because he or she is depressed – far from it.
Surprisingly, the decreased serotonin that occurs during the attraction phase also occurs during the depression. It’s perhaps unsurprising that depression is one of the risk factors for having an affair. In this context, infidelity can be interpreted as an unintentional attempt to self-medicate and counteract the effects of low serotonin. When the possibility of an intimate connection is realized, the constant surges of neurochemicals counteract the effects of low serotonin by fostering feelings of euphoria, happiness, and pleasure.
According to Helen Fisher, the long-term use of antidepressants that increase serotonin can potentially affect other brain systems associated with love and intimacy. Antidepressants raise serotonin levels, which suppress the dopamine circuit. Dopamine is linked to the feelings associated with romantic love. Antidepressants have the potential to smoother the sex drive and deprive the body (and the relationship) of neurochemicals associated with attachment, which surge the body during orgasm.
Do we have genes in common before you kiss me?
Women smelled sweaty men’s t-shirts and chose the ones they thought were the sexiest in another classic (and pretty gross) experiment. They chose the shirts of men with different genes in a specific part of the immune system, according to the results. In a later study, women who were married to men who had similar genes in this part of the immune system were more likely to leave their relationship. The more genes a woman shared with her husband, the more affairs she’d had. From an evolutionary standpoint, this can be interpreted as a way to reduce pregnancy and fertility complications.
Dealing with Infidelity after the Affair
Relationships can certainly heal after infidelity, but it will depend on the amount of love that remains, the honesty with which the breakages are explored, understood and owned, and each person’s ability to reconnect in light of the betrayal.
- The affair should be ended properly:
Given what we know about the role of neurochemicals in reinforcing attraction and desire, it is critical that the person involved in the affair discontinues contact with the outside person only if your relationship has a fighting chance.
- Set the context of your affair:
The most important step in recovering from betrayal is to understand the affair within the context of the relationship, rather than as a personal failure of one person. It would be easy, and understandably very tempting, to heap shame and blame on the person who had the affair, but doing so will waste any opportunity to address any deeper issues that contributed to the relationship’s breakdown.
A couple can disappoint each other in a variety of ways. One of them is an affair. Neglect, indifference, withholding of sex, failure to emotionally connect, and constantly ignoring the needs and desires of the other are examples of other ways. Intimacy, communication, expectations, need fulfillment, and how conflict or competing needs are handled in the relationship are all important considerations.
- You have to Be accountable:
Rather than fighting every second or minute, you have to be accountable that you’re having an affair. Rebuilding your relationship is always important and this might take a time to heal. If your partner is texting you, always text back. The key to rebuilding a relationship is trust and trust doesn’t come without a commitment to all the tasks.
- The mistake has been made. Don’t fight it:
If you’ve had the affair, understand that your partner will be hurt, angry, in love with you, in hate with you, miss you, never want to see you again, and won’t want to be without you – and this can happen quickly. Allow his or her emotions to wash over you. There will come a time when this will stop, but in the meantime, the high emotion must be expressed or it will fester and rot your relationship from within. That is not what you want. Also, be loving. Always.
Relationships that have been shattered by the intrusion of another can heal if both people feel safe enough from blame and shame to own their part in the breakage. It’s okay if responsibility isn’t distributed evenly. If you’re still there after the affair and still fighting, the relationship is obviously still important. Be patient and open to one another. A bad decision does not always imply a bad relationship. Of course, it could, but it doesn’t have to. This is the thing you both have to decide.
Concluding this-
We deserve to be adored by the person we care about. When that adoration shifts to another, however fleetingly, the pain can be breathtaking. Some days, you’ll question whether you still have the ability to exhale. You do. You will, too. But it will take time, effort, and some difficult decisions. You once adored each other. If you’re still struggling to stay together, the likelihood is the love is still there. But it’s been buried under too many years of neglect, obligation, and the day-to-day pressures of life. If you’ve both decided that the fight is worthwhile, be patient and continue fighting for it, because it will be.
Our Previous Blogs:
– How blind people sense intimacy?
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